I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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