I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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