I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
