Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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