the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
