I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
