JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
