Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
