when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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