I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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