A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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