I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Randomize
