12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you never un-have a 4some
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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