it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
