Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I have so many feelings about this burrito
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
