I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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