I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
