Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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