Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
