did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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