Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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