If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
