I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
