I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
