tonight lets celebrate not being married
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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