What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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