my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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