I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The beer is more important than you right now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
