how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
