You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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