you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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