i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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