Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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