Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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