I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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