Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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