just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
