Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i drank out of a bidet.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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