Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
