if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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