I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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