she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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