then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
