I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
