I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldnâ€™t Be More Proud
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating