Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks