honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
oh yeah. preciate
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.