Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.