Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.