You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
