This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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