Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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