Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
