Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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