We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
