I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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