thus making me awesome and them whores
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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