just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
