Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
