I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
