If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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