Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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